Skaarj Lordas I accidentally wrote this last night, and it is topical, I thought I should share
I would say "take it with a pinch of salt", but it is true. All of it, in every detail
...Once upon a time,
there were 3 wise masters.
unreal.epicgames, master0.gamespy and master.mplayer
master.mplayer.com was the weakest of the masters and died long ago.
Valiantly the 2 remaining masters travelled the long road together, until 1 day unreal.epicgames took an arrow to the knee and had to sit things out.
The remaining master, now overburdened with shiny trinkets and awards, got lost in the woods, as he did not think a map and compass was important.
To survive the days lost wandering around in the dark, master0.gamespy gradually sold off all his possessions to the bandits of the woods.
Weak and weary, finally master0.gamespy stumbled into a shadowy figure, in a smart suit, holding a smart-phone, in a smartly gloved hand.
"Woah ! Hold on" exclaimed the suit. "You look tired. Let me help you with your heavy load" he said, while rubbing his hands together.
This confused master0.gamespy as he looked down at his rags and bare feet.
"but I have nothing to carry" said the master. "Nothing of any value. Nothing, except..."
The master now realised the smart suit was looking at his thin and dirty hand.
"Nothing except for the precious !" cried the suit with glee.
master0.gamespy stepped back and let out a girly-shriek. Then clearing his throat he stammered "but, but you don't understand it's power."
Rubbing his hands again, the suit hissed slowly "Yes.. I.. do. It is the power that binds the Kingdoms, and creates the Empire".
Now horrified master0.gamespy pleaded, "but, but, it is of no use to you. You can only use the phone-magic. This arcane wizardry is beyond your control."
A broad grin now on the face of the suit, it raised its sleeves into the air and looking to the sky, it roared "NO BUT I CAN DESTROY IT !" (cue maniac laughter)
Reeling in anguish the master pleaded again, "You must be insane this would cause chaos all over the planet. You must let me complete my quest and I can give you the what you want."
"What is this quest?" spat the suit.
"I seek the wizard Darkelarious in the castle of the 3, 3s, and to send help for my fallen brother unreal.epicgames, so that after I die..." he paused for a moment, "and I know my time has come, as I am old and the world is now steam-powered, but there will be another trinity of masters..."
Glancing up, the master noticed a look of unexpected concern on the suit, and so he continued louder "...and who knows how many more masters there will be, once this power is in the hands of the ordinary people, united by the power of 3."
The suit stood still. Said nothing.
Feeling emboldened, master0.gamespy smiled at the suit and drawing himself up to his full height carried on;
"Imagine a world with... with an army of masters. A never ending flow of masters, all doing the bidding of the community"
The suit raised what could be described as eyebrows, and master0.gamespy got louder and raised a pointed finger at the suit;
"Imagine that ! Imagine every individual community with their own masters. More masters breeding more masters ! I got mastaz fo' yo mastaz bro, so what do you think of that !?"
The small clearing in the woods was quiet for a few seconds.
The suit spoke quietly "I think.." It paused and cleared it's throat with 3 short coughs.
"I can't make any money from you. I think you must die".
master0.gamespy turned to run into the dark woods, and even got as far as saying "..Oh shiiii" before a moment of bright light exploded in his head, before turning to blackness, dotted with pinholes of white stars.
A moment of disjointed awareness of extreme hot, or cold, or pain, or all 3, but then wondering why he could taste iron and soil, his vision came back with another bolt of pain as the suit flipped him over onto his back.
The master tried to gasp in pain as the suit put his knee in the middle of his chest.
"Oh no.." said the suit leaning into the masters ear. "...not that easy. not... quick". it hissed.
"I will cut bits of you off every month, until you finally die a slow and shameful death" the suit stood over the master, now gloating, and unzipping its trousers.
"I am going to do baaad things to you, little miss red riding-hood-lost-in-the-woods."
master0.gamespy dropped his hand to cover his face, and wished his sight had not returned.
A second later he also wished his sense of taste had not returned. He moved his hand over his nose and mouth, and kept his eyes firmly shut.
Now dazed and contemplating what little was left of his life, master0.gamespy noticed odd clicking and high-pitched sounds mixed with the laughter and... what ? what was that, the crazy suit was saying ?
"....aaAHAHA !! yeah ! this ones going on facebook! AHAHAA ! Oh yeah baby I'm tweeting it now! I'm gonna feed you to the trolls !".
Chapter 2
.... MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE, IN THE BATCAVE.
"Holy crapola Darkelarious, look in the sky ! A giant number 3 in the clouds. is that the bat signal ?"
(cue dramatic music, spinning pictures and words).
..."WHAT ?" came a booming echoing reply.
"...I said get off the crapper and get your ass out here, there's all kinds of crazy going on, and there's warning lights blinking on everything !" a shout went back.
"...WHAT DID YOU TOUCH ?" bellowed an angry voice. "IF YOU'VE..." the rest was covered by the sound of flushing water.
Hasty footsteps echoed down the stone corridor (because someone had used the correct OpenAL EFX preset). It sounded so cool in-fact, that Darkelarious stopped to fire off a few rounds of his favourite Infiltration weapons.
Mere moments later, Darkelarious is in his command chair flicking switches and pushing buttons, and looking serious at various things.
(cue tension music)
Once he has his seat at the right height and the coffee on, he looks at his screens.
"Ooo K. situation.n.n... oh, holy crappo.."
"Yeah I said that one already, but what is it?"
Darkelarious stroked his chin, stood up and slowly raised his cup, and equally slowly said "the last of the first-born masters is dying.." he took a sip, "..and it is not yet ready." another sip and then "..and seriously man, this coffee is sh*t. What are you trying to do to me ?"
"What ? what is...it ?" demanded whoever it was that just walked round the back of some technical-looking stuff.
Darkelarious put his fists on his hips just like every comic-book superhero, and pointed his chin at the horizon.
"I already have a plan ! You may call it plan-B, but I call it, um, maybe ROBO-MASTERRR !?"
A few seconds of echo filled silence was broken by the voice that was now by the door;
"...Now I'm serious dude, if you've been making a sex-toy, I am leaving right now !"
Darkelarious cleared his throat and this time more unsure "Faster-master ?... damn that is no better. It doesn't matter a name can come later."
This time sounding a little annoyed, but rising to a triumphant volume
"No it is not a sex-toy... although I do think it is kinda sexy... err, yeah I have actually been working on a new improved, faster, free-range, and fat-free master-server !"
The sound of the exclamation mark echoed with the satisfying sound of the stone-hall EFX setting.
"Oh..."
Darkelarious shook his head "Oh?"
"Yes oh."
"What ?" anger now straining Darkelarious's voice (I don't think there is an EFX for that)
"Yes what, what do we do ?"
Darkelarious turned back to regard the monitors,
"We..hmm..well I am going to drink a truck load of good coffee, because I'm not going to get any God-damned sleep until the end of May."
"OK. so what do I do ?" came the voice from the doorway.
"You?... You are going to town to buy me a truck load of coffee, and hand out as many leaflets and posters as you can."
"Oh poo" was heard quietly from the hall behind doorway, because the OpenAL surround-sound positioning was perfect.
Darkelarious shouted at the retreating voice "Yes poo ! .... Oh yes poo.. YOU BETTER GET TOILET-PAPER !!"
Sitting back in the command seat, he muttered to himself "this job is going to need a lot of toilet-paper".
....
And there you have it. Another true story from old Doctor Flay.
